walking into light

It's morning and if i lie really still, i can feel something like my spirit embracing me.

I used to dread waking up. It was as if i could relax at night, and dream; while waking up meant the clanging of pots and pans, my ill-tempered and burned out mother cussing her way through a breakfast prep, and my own trepidations about whatever schoolwork i might have forgotten to accomplish.

I want to be more like the spirit that embraces me. I have been assured that this is my destiny: a reunion, of sorts, in which i and others will reconnect with the one-ness that underlies all things. Sometimes i just feel like i want to wake up one morning with that feeling. I want to wake up in light, not dread. I want to release the small attachments to invitations, iPods, fashion trends and junk mail - virtual and actual. When was the world so invited to communicate to me at every second like that?

I feel like despite my desire to connect with the one-ness, i spend most of my time putting up walls: no, we are not friends. no, i don't want to subscribe. no, i won't buy your special cooking gadget. no, you can't stay with me tonight. I want to connect with a better offer. More light. Less hype. I am, frankly, longing for light. Not the sunny kind, i've got that, but the inner lamp. I want to be, and feel, lit up. Yeah.