What is support, exactly?

Right now, I'm writing this post from a leftover chair i stole from my daughter's room. She's away at college. It's a $50 chair perfect for kids at their first desks; but not well suited to someone who works at a desk all day. It has a tiny padded back, no arms, and a serviceable seat. After a few hours, my back hurts!

Lately, i've been thinking about this whole issue of support: what it looks like, what it really feels like. It's not something i experienced in my youth. My intense focus on, and comprehension of spiritual concepts were inconsistent with family norms and traditions. When I dreamed of joining the foreign service (and actually passed the exam!), my parents' response was, "why the hell would you want to do that?" The experience of support is like a visit to a foreign country - rare, and so new it's hard to develop any expectations of what constitutes normal.

As a result i spent years making SURE I felt supported by doing just what everyone wanted of me: I attended all family functions, was an ideal daughter, was a kind neighbor and devoted student. I served on boards, sorted coats at local shelters, and collected for the march of dimes. I was like a labrador looking for a trainer. I assumed this was what it meant to be surrounded by loved ones. I supported everyone else, but didn't feel entitled to ask much for myself - that is, not much of what i really needed and wanted to feel fed. Old friends were so uninterested in the inner journey, i figured what i had to offer wasn't valuable.

Women often perform millions of invisible tasks, keeping the whole wheel of life and love turning in a very practical way, with groceries, laundry, little wiped noses and playdates, homey touches and awkward valentines.

Now, I've learned to see things differently, thank god. i have endured the thorny recovery path, strewn with the disappointments of people i used to spoil, who are not at all happy about what i'm no longer willing to take care of. In order to learn to be loving, i had to learn not to be so dad gum nice! And in my darkest moments, the brightest spots of help appeared, reassuring me that fundamentally, the universe is benevolent. I now have friends who are stronger and more skilled about the whole give and take. Still, i'm a newbie.

So, in the interest of learning what support really feels like, i'm going to start by treating myself to a decent chair!