Moods

It's sleepy time around here. I couldn't sleep, woke up inthe middle of the night, stayed awake reading and wondering what was in store for me, having premonitions that i would be hated, rejected, scorned, and disrespected - which has already happened before, so it shouldn't really hold any unique grip on me. But i suppose all of us have the desire to feel loved and accepted for who we truly are. As someone who was heavily censored as a little kid, truthtelling has been a tricky path.

Anyway, sleep deprivation brings on serious Moods. When these moods come upon me, i usually have the greatest access to old patterns that have held me back, so i share these with you, hoping they will illustrate the shadier aspects of the path, easing the way for others.

A few years ago, I had to make some radical course corrections in my lifestyle, because everything in my living was neatly arranged to keep me alienated from spirit. For whatever reason, I am acutely aware of the signals that float around in the ethers; and i never felt safe to speak to the inner depths that were at work in me, much less use them to help others.

The course correction has not been a smooth one; it was hard to find my voice and learn to use it with any deftness. After years of relative silence, i found that as soon as i opened my mouth, there were intense consequences. Some people came towards me, others were driven away. What I noticed, though, was that i repeatedly placed myself in an environment that was hostile to that light, so i was sabotaged. Can i offer a concrete example?

Example #1: Have you ever tried to speak to your partner about ideas or feelings that were really important to you, only to have them change the subject? I noticed that when i tried to talk about my own world of ideas - the portal to the possible - other topics such as professional sports or garage needs took immediate precedence. It took years for me to understand that i was being silenced. After about a thousand of these experiences, a quiet despair settled in. Maybe my mind worked against me, but i figured, who would be interested in what i had to say if my spouse wasn't? Wiser friends knew better; but i just felt like wow, what does it mean to be intimate if your partner doesn't know you? I mean, he knew my tennis game, and my cooking skills; but he didn't know what i was capable of, and i suspect he didn't want to. What guy wants his loving wife to ease up spoiling him and go out to be all that she can be? Or at the very least, maybe she would be something HE wanted, not what SHE wanted.

Example #2: After being hired by a major New York financial institution to address the soft side issues associated with wealth, I gave a presentation at a symposium there, about worth as the vessel through which wealth could be responsibly managed. After it was over, a lady came up to me and said she liked it so much that she wanted to move her assets to - that place - immediately, and would i help her. As soon as the event was over, the person who hired me deluged me with a pile of administrative tasks, anything that would keep me out of my strength. This person declared that all of these responsibilities lay inside my job description. Really, it was just a power play. The point was to take me out of my strong suit because the power of my message was a threat to others' "glow." As I was warned, nothing threatens so much as success.

Sometimes, claiming your power means identifying subtle ways in which we ourselves, or others, place us far enough outside the zone of our own strength to render us powerless. The perceptions of futility and the illusion of permanently difficult conditions are two ways to stay bound. Today, a moody day, reminds me of that suffering, and that education.