Confessions, light

I have a confession to make, which is pretty silly from the outset since i'm speaking to the ethers. But this is it: i just have this longing to be of service. Everybody has their own idea of what that looks like, feels like, i suppose. Mine relates to serving what i can only refer to as the greater "Plan" - that is, helping people remember that they are sacred, that the world is sacred, and to begin behaving as such.

But whenever i get started to speak to that issue in a live setting, i'm like a deer in the headlights. It's as if the thousands of words all rearrange themselves somewhere just inside the tip of my tongue, and my brain dissolves. Sad, true. So I've learned to serve in more oblique ways - I've helped the poor, and raised children, and participated on non-profit boards, and worked in toxic corporations to turn them around, and walked out on nature's trails to appreciate her. Still the demon presses me on. Sometimes i've tried too hard, and neglected my children - well, at least in comparison to all those sweet moms out there who do the wonderful little things to let their kids know they're thinking of them.

But still, i wonder if i'll ever have the feeling of YES - I did that great thing, or YES, i've made my contribution. I hope that, with time, all these internal fires will sort themselves out, and I will wear down into something fitting, like a nice old pair of jeans, that the spirit can use well.